Sex And The City, Marriage, Faithfulness and God

Back in Singapore with sacks of goodies from a homevisit to Spain, the hostess was eager to share the spoils over a Sex And The City marathon. "Myself, I prefer your countryman Pedro Almodóvar", I said hopefully, not being one for chick flicks. But the gender-bias tilted in favour of SATC, and so it was and an opportunity to hang out with great folk and excellent food.

Leftover Anchovies and Roasted Red Peppers on Toasted Bread

Hence: a handsome hunk of idiazábal cheese and quince for the ride, roasted eggplant and red and green peppers in good olive oil, jambon thinly sliced, tortilla de patatas flipped by a nice German girl, macademia nut jam - crazily good with toasted baguette and roasted zucchini and thick cuts of cheese, plump anchovies on grilled red peppers, and roasted macademia nuts to munch while polishing off the cava.

At 2am, someone accidentally popped an eighth of the Taittinger over the carpet ("I didn't shake it I swear!") and later, in the wee hours, air-kissed goodbyes actually came naturally. :-(

As entertainment, SATC didn't turn out so bad: hilarious situations and witty lines. Rampant product placement made sure the fourth wall stayed solidly in place.

The pulpit bans on the series (and movie) have less to do with the fashion-hell hair and clothes (especially Miranda's) than with the variations on the apparently risqué themes of flirting, foreplay, nudity, sex and sex aids.

The frank portrayal of women as sexual beings might have had been a bit of an eye-opener back in the Victorian 90s (21st century or 20th). But what seemed to have really drawn fans to SATC and pushed its eponymous movie to a US$55.7 million (or money enough to buy one-fifth of the core investment banking section of Lehman's and a few nice suits) high on its opening weekend in the US wasn't just the sex (surely more explicit and creative interpretations of the act can be found online) but sex as a vehicle in whose highly polished windows we see reflections of reality, the fundamental concerns of ordinary women. And men.

Because they assumed their value as people and their security were to be found glowing post-coitally in another's arms, the daily struggles of the four single female protagonists revolved around the complexities of both satisfying their desires as well as finding Mr. Right/Prince Charming/Dream Hunk/True Love/Jackpot (as in "People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates - hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar." - Carrie). They sought "relationships and not just sex", eager to keep at bay their fear of ending up old maids who died alone and were found only a week later after half their faces had been eaten by their cats.

SATC articulated but offered nothing more than a little mud-wrestling with these complexities:

Finding Mr. Right/Prince Charming/Dream Hunk/True Love/Jackpot
Can you date outside your "class"? What about older women with younger men? Or older women with even older saggy-bottomed men? Does dating divorced men mean dating their families? Can dating fuck buddies work out? Choosing between the nice sensitive stable guy and the wild exciting one. Should size matter or "funky tasting spunk"? Can women hope to change their men? Is it ok to dump bad kissers? How neurotic is too neurotic? Is a relationship a relationship without the "zsa zsa zsu" (that special something that gives you butterflies in the stomach)?

Figuring out if Mr. Right thinks they are Right too
Why hasn't he called? Maybe he just isn't that into me? Why did he introduce me as a "friend" not as his "girlfriend"? Why won't he let me leave my stuff at his place? Does he really prefer a sweeter younger thing?

How to attract and keep Mr. Right
This had a lot to do with dating superstitions and relationship games, all in the fear of missing the bus: When is it ok to sleep with the guy ("A guy can just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth." – Samantha)? Are there some things in relationships that should not be said? Is it better to "fake it" than be alone? Do you have to play games to make a relationship work? Is it ok to use another man to make Mr. Right jealous? Can you make a mistake and end up missing your fate (eg, screwing up everything by having a lousy date, thereby dooming the entire prospective relationship)? The Carrie – Mr. Big theme loomed large herezzz.

The actual desirability of desires
When their relationships failed and the going got hard, the girls questioned the desirability of their desire for emotionally stable, faithful, monogamous relationships. Did they really want to get married or were they programmed to want to wed? They tried man-replacements like shopping, drinking, puppies and, erm, éclairs to laugh out loud results.

Yet, when things looked bright with potential husbands on the horizon, they struggled with the reluctant desire to be rescued by a man and the simultaneous fear that they'd lose their own hard-won identity in the process. If relationships were inevitably a series of compromises, when would the art of compromise become compromising to one's self?

And then, the commitment thing: what if they committed to one person and something someone better came along? Plus prior to signing on the dotted line, surely one ought to first test the goods to ensure acceptable sexual performance?

The show honestly concluded that all this resulted in was a series of unstable relationships built on fakery and showmanship: "Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion." – Samantha.

Hence, a cynical view of relationships (usually expressed by goodtime girl Sam):
"You call this a relationship?" - Maria
"Well, it's tedious and the sex is dwindling, so from what I've heard, yes." - Samantha

There were attempts to convince themselves that as long as they loved themselves, everything was a-ok: "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." – Carrie

But inevitably, as much as they tried to flee from it, the bottomline remained: the girls were just looking for one special person to share their lives with; "real relationships" not just "lovers" based on "genuine emotions" not just "carnal passions".

All this bizarre behaviour makes for great late-night laughs, but perhaps we are entertained most by painful truths. (As if evidence of the high entertainment value of passion-related crime were needed: one Supreme Court judge specialising in commercial law once confessed that he'd often pleaded to cover the MRT cases - murder, rape and theft, the attractive juicy crimes of passion (don't ask how theft is a crime of passion).)

In the sight of God...
There is no doubt that marriage in some form and the urge to merge have been present in all cultures at all times. This is of no surprise since God created man to do just that. It is not society that has programmed us this way but the Creator who has designed us thus.

And the mystery of finding the right partner (though not quite one of the main goals of life) is solved by reference to God's purpose for designing us to desire emotional and sexual union with another.

In his comprehensive study (and perhaps, despite the complaints of some newly-weds, not quite comprehensive enough!) of Genesis 1 - 2 in Marriage: Sex in the Service of God, Christopher Ash demonstrates that the procreational good of sexual union is set in the context of the task of exercising responsible dominion over the rest of creation (Genesis 1, Genesis 5:1-3, Genesis 9:1-7). Man is blessed by God to be fruitful and multiply so as to rule over the world. Marriage was instituted not for companionship nor to assuage loneliness but for work. For man is set in the Garden of Eden not for sensual enjoyment but to work it and to take care of it. And so the purpose of the man-woman match is not their mutual delight, wonderful as God has created that to be, but that woman is just the helper the man needs for his work (Genesis 2).

Therefore, the SATC girls' error was to make marriage or relationship the end goal of life, not realising that marriage per se is essentially meaningless, though being savvy enough to note that in this fallen world, really a quite painful commitment. Without bearing God's purpose for marriage in mind, a couple, even a Christian couple, working at the project of coupledom for its own sake and mainly in terms of the relational benefit of the couple themselves face the problems of destructive selfishness. When they look primarily to their marriage partners to promote and be the major instrument to provide their own self-actualisation, they become a pair of parasites trying to feed off each other (says the good Mr. Ash in Chapter 7). Church, prayer, the Christian life and even God become nothing more than a means to the idolatrous end of strengthening their relationship with one another.

Post-Fall however, it is naive to argue that marriage continues to serve perfectly the task of humankind ruling God's world on his behalf. The fall of man catastrophically altered the conditions under which the mandate given to Adam is to be obeyed.

Chris Ash's Marriage as well as his much slimmer Married for God deal with what marriage means in the interim. Suffice to say that the creation mandate language of multiplication is now transferred in Bible narrative to the people of God. Instead of a longing that there should be a multiplication simply of humanity, now there must be a multiplication within the people of God, in order that they may work, proclaiming and heralding the kingdom, to order God's world aright.

If this is the post-Second Adam mission, then marriage is no longer essential to the fulfilment of the purpose for which mankind was created. Hence Paul's note in 1 Corinthians 7 that one can choose to stay single for the sake of the mission. But if one chooses to marry, then the Right one would be one able to lead/assist in that mission.

Imho, Paul appears, in Ephesians 5, to articulate another previously hidden purpose of marriage - a foreshadowing of the union between Christ and the church. Therefore, just as the Old Testamental sacrifices became obsolete when Christ the real sacrifice came along, so human marriage will become a thing of the old world (which might explain Jesus' words in eg. Matthew 22:23-30, Luke 20:27-36) when the marriage between the Lamb and his people is consummated on the Last Day. Chris Ash doesn't talk about this in either of his books I think. Will investigate further.

Real macarons from Bilbao. None of that dainty Frog stuff.

Chris does however speak of Ephesians 5 as the template for faithfulness in marriage. And how to ensure the faithfulness of one's partner and, if one is humble enough to remember the extent of one's own sinfulness, one's self? Human responsibility ((1) to ensure satisfactory results to due diligence and (2) not to pull an Adam & Eve but to trust in God's word and follow his ways) aside, these uncertainties are resolved like any other uncertainty in life: by trust in God... to be in control and to work for the good of those who love him whatever happens. (Unfortunately too often we forget that God is also in control during the swimmingly good and seemingly certain times as well.)

Gratuitous photo of Teriyaki Foie Gras

Because this was discussed over a dinner of teriyaki foie gras, Sun with Moon salad, beef sukiyaki, miso gindara, garlic rice and tofu cheesecake at Sun With Moon.

Sun with Moon Japanese Dining and Cafe
#03-15/16/17, 501 Orchard Road, Wheelock Place
Singapore 238880

Marriage Is Not God's Answer to Loneliness

Emo (Badly Drawn) Boy
Back of a pub receipt with a barmaid's pencil stub

For Emo Boy, who wears his loneliness like a badge; the modern day Prometheus, condemned to having his beating bleeding heart ripped out at every gig. For the sweet StickyDateToffeePudding Girl with no date. And for all the other lonely hearts out there, the tender graphic novelists, those wasting away from the bitter coldcoffeetaste of unrequited crushes, those pining to find and be found by their soulmates...

Aiyah, not like that one lah.

Marriage Is Not God's Answer to Loneliness
Christopher Ash

In one of my favorite cartoons (given me by a fellow minister) a group of cavemen stand on the top of a cliff. One has just been hurled over the edge. As he falls, the leader turns to the group and asks,"Now, is there anyone else here who feels their needs are not being met?" As pastors, we are under insidious pressure to show people how their needs can be met. Perhaps nowhere more so than in the expectations which are promoted of sex and marriage.

We live in a society where sexual relationships (whether married or not) are held up as the place supremely where needs are met; here, we are told, is self-fulfillment, self-realization, contentment, and joy. How many films portray a sociable and contented bachelor or spinster? (And how old-fashioned and fuddy-duddy those words sound!) Either the lead character is in what we call a "relationship" (by which revealing shorthand we mean a sexual relationship) or the drama consists in his or her getting "into" one. If it’s a feel-good movie, they end up in the relationship. They don't often ride off into the sunset in a happy group of unmarried friends!

We pastors encourage this whenever we preach from Genesis 2:18 that God's purpose for marriage is to remedy human loneliness. I write as one who has been guilty of this misreading myself in the past. But I am sure it is a misreading, for two reasons.

First, from the flow of Genesis 2. When we begin a marriage reading at Genesis 2:18 and read,"It is not good that the man should be alone", we naturally interpret it within our cultural framework. So one Christian writer says of this verse,"It's simply said that Adam had a personal need, and this was basis enough for God to fill the void" (my italics). One children’s story bible we used with our children put these words into Abraham's mouth for Genesis 24, after Sarah has died and when he wants Isaac to find a wife:"I must make sure that Isaac has a wife to love him. I don't want him to be on his own when I die." A sweet thought, but far removed from the text or sentiments of Genesis 24. Similarly, on this kind of reading of Genesis 2:18, poor old Adam was lonely. A pet or a farm animal (v. 19ff.) cannot be the companion he needs.

But we forget the context. Adam has just been placed in God's garden with a very responsible job to do: he is "to work it and keep it" (v. 15). He is the gardener (cf., Psalm 8). And in this context God looks at him and says it is not good for him to be alone. He needs a helper (not specifically a companion). Why does he need a helper? Not because he is lonely, but because the job is too big for him on his own. Which is a pointer that the reason God invented marriage is that we might the better serve Him in His world. Marriage is not an introspective religion of coupledom in which each gazes endlessly into the other's eyes and each expects to be all to the other. Rather it is an outward-looking union dedicated to serving God together. When contemporary Protestants buy in to the contemporary idolatry of "relationship", we act as though marriage were a discipleship-free zone. But it is not. There is a world to be cared for, people to be loved and brought into the loving fellowship of the people of God.

Which leads to my second reason. In the rest of Scripture, God makes it clear that His remedy for human loneliness is fellowship, not (necessarily) marriage. Fellowship with the Father and the Son, and with our brothers and sisters in Christ, this is God's remedy for loneliness. It is a remedy gloriously open to all, including all those for whom marriage is not a possibility—those too young for marriage, the widowed, the divorced, those struggling with homosexual temptation, those who cannot find a marriage partner.

Many passages in Scripture speak of love and the fulfillment of human longings; yet very few speak of marriage in this context. For example, in 1 John 4:7-21, we read in wonderful depth about the love of God for His people, the love of His people for God, the love of His people for one another; but marriage and sex are nowhere in sight. In 1 Thessalonians 2:6-8, Paul speaks with great warmth about the sharing of his life with the believers; but again, sex and marriage are nowhere in sight. 1 Corinthians 13, so popular for marriage services, is actually about the love that ought to (but in Corinth does not) mark a fellowship of believers. John 13-16 are all about fellowship love, but again sex and marriage are nowhere in sight. Nowhere in the Psalms are the longings of the human heart related to sexual love (except perhaps Psalm 45, although this focuses more on the joy of a family).

So, as pastors let us keep the challenge of discipleship and the privilege of serving Christ uppermost when we teach about sex and marriage. Those of us who are called to marriage are called to serve God in our marriages and not to expect our needs to be met. Too many who have expected their needs to be met have found themselves falling off the proverbial cliff into disillusion.

This article was originally published in Kairos Insight. Christopher Ash was then the Minister of All Saints Church in Little Shelford, England. He is now the Director of the Cornhill Training Course in London and will be speaking at the Project Timothy Bible Conference in Singapore, come July.

Celebrating Christmas, Christian Marriage and Singlehood

Because the morning air after days of sticky rain and muddy muckiness was clean and sweet and fresh, and grey baby spotted-neck pigeons, silky black baby orieoles and bandit-eyed chicks picked through the fallen leaves together, and maids chatted under shady fig trees as their silky terrier, jack russell and schnauzer charges played and chased butterflies in nearby grass patches.

Because a favourite running track was graced by the "world's tallest Christmas tree (subject to endorsement by the Guinness Book of Records)" lit every night for twenty minutes after 8pm and 10pm.
Because the coffeeshop air was cheerful, friendly, toffee-nutish, green and red and sweet.
Because the late night air was sparkling silver, white and champagne.
Because the evening air was full of white colonial iron-wrought structures, fairy lights and red cloth poinsettia, mellow jazz bands under the stars singing of love and Paris, and old couples dancing slowly, unashamedly, tall elderly husbands looking deep and smiling into the eyes of their wives, holding them steadily, guiding them gently.
Because bushy-tailed and dewy-eyed, just starting out on similar dances, grinning gang of successful proposers had night-long toasting sessions and giggling gaggles of newly-engageds had rock showings on.
Because November and December are the months of getting-togethers, of engagements and of weddings and mass celebrations of couplehood and matrimony fill the weekends with the heavy, heady perfume of joy and happiness, and hope and promise.
Celebrating Christian Marriage
I love weddings, especially the weddings of people I know are committed Christians.

One never knows where a pagan marriage is headed, and joyful though we are at that moment, the celebrations are always tainted by the knowledge that even the happy bride and groom do not expect the marriage to last, and that they have from the beginning hedged their bets with pre-nuptial agreements, separate bank accounts and legal advice on how to structure their property and investments so that the Other Side wouldn't get their filthy paws on it come the divorce. It is difficult to celebrate whole-heartedly such a temporal joy. How can I shake your hand, give you a bear hug or slap you on the back and toast to your future when your future is bleak with self-centred strife, divorce tactics, looking out for No.1 and the numbers of the next-in-line if this spouse doesn't work out?

But there is the overwhelming assurance that a marriage focused on God is the beginning of many good things to come. Not easy or smooth-sailing, but good. Difficult other-centred love and servanthood, true partnership bonded by love of God, commitment between two sinful people to work things out under their King and Master and a stable environment in which to bring children into the world to live and grow without the fear and insecurity of the family or the mother being abandoned like a used toy when a newer better model with cooler functions happens to pass by one day. For that, a row of tuxedos would wipe away a tear or two of pure gladness (jus somethin' in the eye, mate) and sniffle into their white hankies.
Celebrating Christian Singlehood
It is painful at pagan weddings to see singles falsely happy and secretly envious; or desperately despairing and flirting and chatting up every eligible looking person at the wedding, getting their cards and contact details to "further the friendship"; or obsessing and talking incessantly about the hows and what-fors of boy-girl relationships, rehashing their usually sensible noble critieria, dissing the usually unfair criteria of the opposite sex, regurgitating the methods of approaching and dating etc; or mourning what they view to be their embarrassing useless singlehood and scheming and exchanging advice on how to lose weight or go under the knife or take self-improvement classes or make themselves more interesting or go out to more places to meet funky members of the opposite sex (and sometimes same sex), so as to finally finally get married. I've even known some girls who were frantic enough to read the Bible, aiming to be "good Proverbs 31" women so as to ensnare Christian men ("because they are nicer and will treat us right"). It is a pitiful to see so many people waste their one and only life away, putting all their energy and hope on an institution and a person that would surely fail them in the end.

But what a joy it is to see at Christian weddings, a greater concentration of the strong happy Christian single friends of the bride and groom, sincerely cheering on the newly-weds, comfortable and exulting in their singlehood because of their strength and happiness in their relationship with the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe. Not a poseur-ish successful banker who is self-sufficient and has loads of hobbies and friends type of confidence, nor a narcissistic efficient pietistic Elisabeth Elliot type who throws herself into good works and improving her godliness to make herself more attractive while waiting for her prince to come type of strength (both of which carry the stench of idolatry), but the knowledge that (although something real to be found in a marriage relationship cannot be had by singles) contentment and satisfaction and companionship are not found in a marriage but in fellowship within the church family.

And still, not quite just fellowship within the church but completeness is in knowing they are loved by God himself. Not less some days than others, not less when they fail him or don't perform, but decisively, totally, despite their failures towards him; that they are loved painfully, perfectly on the cross. And completeness is in loving him back.

It's only in a correct and right relationship with God that we find total fulfilment. Discontentment, dissatisfaction and loneliness are real and understandable conditions of any human, whether married or single. So the solution is not marriage but knowing God. Only in him can we find contentment, satisfaction and companionship.

Now, dimly, we might enjoy some rest and peace. But when we finally see him face-to-face on the Last Day, we will find rest and contentment and peace and completeness unimaginable, unabridged, inexhaustible.

Which is why Matthew 22:30 says:

At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.

Which is why Paul says in Ephesians 5:31-32:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church.

Which is why the one of the Bible's last images describes heaven as a marriage feast:

Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear. (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.)(Revelation 19:7-8)

and:

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. (Revelation 21:2)

So whether we are single and have never married, have been divorced, separated or widowed, whether our marriages are comfortingly strong or shakily on the rocks, our fulfilment is to be and will be utterly and absolutely and comprehensively found in a relationship with God in the new heavens and new earth. Just the way he designed us.

Enough reason to pop another bottle of champagne and celebrate Christmas. And the Boy Who Lives. Innit.

The Christian Single

Skipped the ARPC "Pure Sex" material and did 1 Corinthians 7 with my DG this week. Nothing better than the word of God itself to illumine the mind and convict the heart.

The common questions that were thrown up before the study were:

• What is the gift of singleness?
• Do I have the gift of singleness?
• What should I do about my position as a single? Should I be proactive or passive?
• Is it ok for a Christian single to feel lonely, even within the church community?
• Is it ok for a Christian single to have a general sexual desire?
• What should I do about my sexual desire?
• Is it ok for a Christian single to masturbate?

It's amazing what just a straight reading of 1 Corinthians 7 yielded when we put aside our questions (ie. did not read the chapter to answer *our* questions) and studied the chapter for itself, for what the author was trying to say and in the context of the whole letter to the Corinthians.

Context

"Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry."(1 Corinthians 7:1)

Here, Paul is quoting the Corinthian's erroneous statement. While in 1 Corinthian 6, a group of Corinthians erred toward the side of liberalism ("Everything is permissible"), here another group of Corinthians erred toward the side of asceticism ("It is good for a man not to marry").

Marriage
Paul answers this erroneous statement in 7:2-7:
"2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. 8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

So he sets out the reasons for marriage:

• to avoid immorality
• for marital sex
• to avoid temptation
• because of lack of self-control
• to avoid burning with passion
  

The primary reason for marriage seems to be marital sex and the underlying goal of marriage is the godliness of the parties to that marriage: to avoid sinning against God (by not living within the good order that he created and therefore denying that he is the ruler of the world) and to avoid sinning against neighbour (by lustful or adulterous thoughts or actions).

Singleness
In contrast to the Corinthians' erroneous view of the inherent goodness of staying single, Paul argues that single people should stay single for good reasons in 7:25-40:
"25Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. 26Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. 27Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. 28But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

29What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; 30those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

36If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin--this man also does the right thing. 38So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better.

39A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is--and I think that I too have the Spirit of God."

In vv7:25-28, Paul states 2 main reasons and expands on these reasons in the remaining verses:

• because of the present crisis (7:26)-they were (just as we are) living in the last days; the days between the first and second coming of Christ (7:29-31) and there is urgent work to be done!
  

• the troubles of marriage (7:28)-that your interests will be divided, that you will not be able to live in the right way (ie. in undivided devotion to the Lord) (7:32-35)
  

Again, the underlying goal of staying single and not getting married is the godliness of the single: to avoid sinning against God (by not introducing another god in one's spouse) and to do the urgent work of his kingdom before it is too late.

The Common Goal of Marriage and Singleness
So we see that the goal of marriage is not some happily-ever-after, romantic relationship but the godliness of the parties to that marriage. And the goal of staying single is not to have that swinging bachelor/bachelorette freedom to live our lives the way we want but to protect our relationship with God against all distraction and to serve him wholeheartedly.

What is the godly thing to do in my situation?
So should we strive to change our status from married to single or single to married for godliness? Paul answers this in 7:10-24:
"10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

17Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. 20Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. 21Were you a slave when you were called? Don't let it trouble you--although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord's freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ's slave. 23You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. 24Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to."

Do not be deceived. Changing your status is not the goal. Godliness is. So whatever is your status, strive to be godly by keeping God's commands in the situation you are in (7:19). If you are married, be aware that God created man and woman to be unified into one flesh in sexual union and marriage. Therefore Paul thinks that God would not have you leave your spouse even if he/she is not a believer. If you are single and you think for your godliness it is better to get married and the opportunity comes along, balance this against the dangers to your relationship with God if you do so and make a wise decision. Godliness is the goal. A change of status for the goal of godliness may help in your godliness but does not necessarily mean you will achieve that goal following the status change. Status change is not a magic pill that turns you into a godly person. What matters is how you live every day of your single or married life. And each man will be responsible to God for this on the Last Day.

Answers to Common Questions
Now that we have a concept of the goal we are striving for, how do we get there? Aren’t we still left with unanswered questions of what to do with loneliness, unfulfilled sexual desire and available ways to relieve these “needs”? What is the godly way to deal with these areas?

That’s the thing about God and his word in the Bible isn’t it? It’s not a set of rules, it’s not a set of laws per se. Even the 10 commandments aren’t just legislation. Neither is it an encyclopaedia where you can find all your trivia questions answered. It is about a worldview and a lifestyle. It is about God’s view of the world and the lifestyle he created us to live.

In light of what you know about God and his creation, what are the practical outworkings to these common questions in your life?

Over-realised Eschatology

I've spent the last 2 weeks talking to people and their struggles with living life as a single Christian. Their common struggles are:

• loneliness and lack of companionship- manifested in not having any one to share a meal with, spend the weekend with, holiday with, sit with during service or share their life and struggles with, and feeling excluded from their DG (discipleship group) and not fitting in
  

• sexual urges and temptations-many are at the prime of their lives: their biological clocks are ticking away and some days, they are almost overwhelmed with sexual feelings and feel they have no way of controlling them.
  

They all feel a sense of guilt in having these struggles. Brought up in the fine evangelical tradition, they think that right-thinking, godly Christians shouldn't have these struggles. Sometimes, this guilt results in them defensively blaming others in church for not being godly enough to love them and include them in their groups or viewing these others as hypocrites who love them only to fulfil their obligations as Christians and not for who they are.

My heart aches for them. I agree that it is a pity that a bible-believing church where God's word is faithfully preached and taught may lack in love for one's neighbour in a concrete sense. Conviction of the truth should necessarily result in love for God and love for neighbour. Yet I know that many of our own leaders are quick to scorn the unsound teaching of other churches, to laugh at the practices of charismatics or Catholics and to rubbish the feelings of their own sheep. Sheep who have wandered off should be led back as gently as possible to the flock. We should be sad that they do not know the truth. The aim should be to save these lost souls and not to scorn at them and trumpet our own achievements as a faithful church. The devil is indeed cunning-he works in heresy and even in truth. What is lacking is grace; showing the same grace to people who do not know the true gospel (while still condemning what they believe as heresy and blasphemy) that God has shown to us. It is a difficult thing to both love and condemn, but this is what we are to do, as God does.

It is often said that the problem with charismatics is over-realised eschatology. Methodists and others who preach the social gospel have the same problem. What charismatics commonly preach: health, wealth, prosperity... are indeed things promised and to be longed for... but not in this age. They have got their timing wrong. These things are promised not for this age (although some might have them in the here and now) but for the age to come, after the second coming of Christ. The same goes for those who preach the social gospel: they want peace, equality and eradication of poverty NOW. Again, these are things promised and to be longed for, but we should not devote all our lives or resources to achieving those things now. They are promised for the age to come, after Christ comes again and wipes every tear from every eye.

The problem many evangelical leaders have is also over-realised eschatology. They expect their flock to be perfect NOW. To be godly NOW. To have the mind of God and only love the things of God and not struggle with the temptations of this world nor their own sinfulness. So the person who struggles with feelings for a non-Christian is quickly dismissed as ungodly, as is the person who has fallen into a deep, spiralling depression. The person who neglects to pour tea for other people is condemned as not being servant-hearted. The result of this is that people keep their struggles with godliness to themselves, afraid to admit to any of them even in a DG prayer group. The result of this is that people learn to do the outwardly loving acts, to please man and not God. It is modern-day evangelical phariseism where the leaders are again putting a yoke on the flock which is more than they can bear. It is indeed a sad state of affairs.

On the other hand, those who criticise these modern-day pharisees must check for the log in their own eye. Everyone is a sinner, albeit a saved one. Critics must also show them love while condemning their actions and allow them grace as well. They should not blame these misguided Pharisees for the state of the church but themselves actively start showing love to their neighbours and gently correct them. On the last day, when we see God face to face, he will hold us accountable for OUR own actions, not the actions of others.

May God help us all.